Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
