): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
