Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
