So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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