He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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