They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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