Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
