he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he fucked my hip out of place.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
