thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
