no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
