Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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