There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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