I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
