I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
