You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
