fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
cat food counts as protein by the way
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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