these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Randomize
