I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
