I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
