i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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