you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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