The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
