took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I take back everything I said about communal showers
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize