It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
