Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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