I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
