So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
