I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
