rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize