Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
