I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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