why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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