sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
