He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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