My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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