Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
