He disabled his match.com account in front of me
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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