how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
