i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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