If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
