Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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