u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
