She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
