I just pynch a tree in the face
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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