I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
