she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
