You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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