i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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