so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
