Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
This baby is an asshole
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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