I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
