Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Randomize
