Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
