I think I won the penis lottery.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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