Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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