I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
